Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw a stranger staring back at you? I have. It scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know the person standing there.
She was at least thirty pounds heavier than I remembered and a lot sadder looking. Her hair was much longer and darker (thank you Miss Clairol!). She was paler and did not have a dab of make up on. An old faded tie-dyed t-shirt and black stretch pants that looked like they had seen better days clung to her body.
Where is the person I used to be? Do I want to find her? Am I better off now with out her?
I stood in front of the mirror for, who knows how long, pondering these questions and reflecting on the life I have led, the person I once had been. Then what does any rational girl do…she calls a friend!
“Do you remember the old me? What was I like? What did you like about me? How do I get her back?”
My friends response did not take long. “You have always been fun and had a lust for life. A very sensual person. Full of laughter. Quick witted. Generous to a fault. People flock to be near you. You always look like you are going somewhere no matter how you are dressed…neat, clean and fashionable.” Then there was a pause, a long pause. “Until you got remarried. You changed. It was like all the stuff he fell in love with you for wasn’t what either one of you thought a wife should be. And you just changed.”
I thanked her for her honesty and made plans to go shopping soon. What better way to find myself again, buy something new to wear to my re-emergence.
As I sat there wondering, ‘is there a happy medium with my old self and my new self?’ How do I integrate the fun party girl with the serious married woman? Can you be the freak in the bed for your husband and a grandma reading bedtime stories only minutes before? I don’t think I will find a book store that will have a book on S&M by Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart! Now Rachel Ray has potential, but she talks way to fast so I would assume any book by her would be a fast read as well.
The more I thought about this the more questions there were. I missed me. I love my husband and many things about our new life together…but I miss a lot of my old life. I miss the way he looked at me, back before he knew how grouchy I was during my period or when I have a migraine. I miss the way he used to kiss me hello when we had been apart. I miss the way we worshiped each others bodies like he was a God and I his Goddess…It dawned on me it was not just me I missed, I missed us…the single/dating us.
We have become so weighed down with just existing and living our lives that we have forgotten to be happy. We have neglected the little things that made us who we are and what made us happy; and gave us purpose to be a couple.
With that revelation I set out a two part plan.
PART 1: I am going to set aside one hour a week for me. I will do something just for me, something the old me would do…paint my toenails, shave my legs (yea I don’t always have time for that and it does make me feel sexier) or just have a drink and call an old friend for a laugh and to catch up.
PART 2: I am going to take two-1/2 hour time slots a week and spend it devoted to my husband. Just to him. I will concentrate on doing things that make him happy and let him know how much I care and love him. Who knows maybe he will reciprocate my actions and that could lead us back to some of the fun things we used to as our “pre-marital selves”.
If this plan works in a few months I will be able to look in the mirror and recognize myself again. Not the old me, not the current me but a hybrid…a balance of both, the good wife I want to be and the fun party girl I still long to be.
“Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the happiest of them all?”
